28 things you didn’t know you could do

I just got a tourism email from the local state promotion group and was stunned at the click-bait article it ran with. “28 things you didn’t know you could do”? made we wonder “how can I know what I don’t know?”. So I came up with my own list. A far, far better list …

1   Murder that really annoying guy

No. Not really. Don’t do that. Murder is illegal and immoral. Strike this one off the list. It should only be 27 things.

But he IS annoying.

2   Helicopter pub crawl

Yes you read that right. We Australians have serious issues with drinking. We can’t hold our liquor, and instead of addressing the problem, the governments impose “lock out” laws that destroy music venues chances of existence. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRINK TO HAVE A GOOD TIME PEOPLE! So yeah. Take a fucking helicopter between pubs if you’re that stupid. Hope you crash it and die.

3   Walk on water

This only applies to children of alien omnipotent beings. Hey, if there is a god then at least we know aliens exist – right? They didn’t come from Earth, they created it. Therefore, ergo, they’d have to be an alien. An egotistic alien. A sick and twisted, perverse sadochistic alien. Yep. Sounds like us. God is real.

4   Drink pumpkin beer

Does everything have to be about booze? C’mon you neanderthals, attempt some moderation why don’t you?

5   Meander through door #37 for a mystery experience at the bath house

It’s not a mystery and you know it. Filthy pervert.

6   Marvel at the Great Barrier Reef

That’s right Mr & Mrs international tourist who have just flown into Sydney. Be sure to include a trip to our (mostly dead) Great Barrier Reef on your journey which took you 39 hours in cramped conditions to get to, only to discover this attraction is on the other side of the country. The jet fuel that brought you to Australia created the carbon that has murdered our coral. Hope you feel happy now, assholes.

7   Go places in the last steam train to be imported into Australia

Clutching at straws now. Do you really think this is going to appeal to anyone? A dead technology that was superseded by more efficient technology that works faster and with less carbon emissions? See above.

8   I give up

You know what? Go murder that annoying guy. You’ll be arrested, but it’d be more fun than what we’ve got to offer. And you can’t blame me for doing it. No court would believe you read this far.

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