DC Spewniverse

DC’s TV Superheroes are Dead To Me

Comics, Film, Musing, TV

When Marvel’s Avengers assemble, they have a kick-ass team to support them: S.H.I.E.L.D.. But this organisation was in existence long before the superheroes teamed up – the billions of dollars involved in creating its global infrastructure had been pouring in from government (and evil Hydra) sources for decades.

But when a guy gets struck by lightening in his lab and becomes super-fast? Suddenly he has a team to help him who have equipment beyond the realms of a simple R&D company. Look at the array of monitors, displays, keyboards, panels, toggles and widgets they have in their shiny office.

I mean, look at them!

To top it off, here’s a character that must’ve been invented by women as a sly joke to stab into the heart of men. “The Flash”? the “fastest man alive”? Ha ha. Not all of us can last longer than one minute and 13 seconds in bed. Thanks for the reminder ladies.

I digress.

No! It has to stop! All because you’re a superhero doesn’t mean you automatically get a team to support you.

I’m looking at YOU Supergirl. Come on! The nerd with a crush on you builds a super-computer network in a vacant office in your building? Your adopted sister is a member of DC SHIELD and has been looking after you since you landed on our planet? Han Solo’s wife is your boss who keeps threatening to fire you, but even though you’re useless at your job, keeps you on in a news conglomerate that must be bleeding money because they’ve got way more staff than all the McDonalds in the world combined where the majority are on minimum wage, but the myriad of people in the background at CatCo would have to be either journalists or tech geeks so must be earning a reasonable coin? {catches breath} The hilarious boss from Selfie who once jumped naked into a protected lake is the boss of the hereto mentioned DC SHIELD and is actually some kind of alien?

Really Supergirl? Really?

You had such promise.

Look at your cousin – you know, the one in the constant reboot films because no-one-is-as-good-as-Christopher-Reeve-and-never-will-be-so-why-keep-trying? The Man of Steel.

Not The Man of Steel-with-a-group-of-disparate-friends-who-somehow-knock-up-a-multi-million-dollar-lair-with-out-of-this-world-computerised-spy-and-analysis-systems. Nope. Just plain and simple Man of Steel.

Are you listening Arrow?

THAT’s why Superman is in the movies and you lot are stuck on TV, bogged down by your friends. Doctor Who started it – he tried jumping to the movies but ended up being dragged back into the box. Why? Because he’s always got some tag-along holding him down.

Speaking of which, who in their right minds decided to give Rory Williams a TARDIS with rockets? He was the man who waited! He’s supposed to be stuck in monochrome New York with the love of his life, not flying through time with a bunch of disparate “legends” he selected “from all of history” (even though they’re all from the same week in 2015). And how did Superman V of VI manage to warp reality to become a different DC “superhero”? (No offence Brandon, but you keep getting shafted.) C’mon DC, are you taking the mickey or are you really oblivious to this spewniverse you’ve created?

The trend is set. If you’re a DC superhero you either get to star in movies because you’re so cool you can hold up a storyline on your own, or you’re stuck in formulaic, crap-tastic TV shows and surrounded by unexplainable multi-billion dollar support structures that are really only there to drag the storyline along. Limping slowly towards their disparate deaths.

And that’s why DC’s TV superheroes are dead to me.


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